Good Morning Ysrayl…

My Childhood… … … OBVIOUSLY I probably wasn’t what “MOST” would call a “NORMAL” child… If there is a such thing… … … So I guess we could say I was a LITTLE MORE “ABNORMAL” than the rest of KIDS EVERYWHERE… … … One of my BIGGEST problems was I was ALWAYS waaay too MATURE and ADVANCED for my AGE… … … Most wouldn’t call that a “PROBLEM”, but when you see reality in the ACTUALS and LAWS of LIFE that “MOST” adults couldn’t see or reason, and you’re a “CHILD”, that’s a Problem… … … As I said to y’all before, as a child I played STUPID and LAZY because I ALWAYS knew if I opened my mouth according to what I ACTAULLY WAS, FELT and SAW “EVERYTHING” was gon be bad… … … So I just flew below the radar until I could get strong enough to “DEFEND” who and what I AM OPENLY… … …

I was “ALWAYS” FREAKY SPIRITUAL… My Mom knew I was, probably from BIRTH, but she NEVER KNEW how SPIRITUAL and ADVANCED I REALLY was… Because I HID IT… … … SINCE before I was able to walk I REMEMBERED FEELING this “OVERWELHMING” since of LONLINESS… And as I got OLDER and GREW into a CHILD that FEELING INCREASED… It wasn’t a feeling that was attached to ANY PARTICULAR thing, or ACTION AGAINT me, I just FELT LONELY and EMPTY… … … I FELT COMPLETELY OUTSIDE of REALITY and ISOLATED… … … I JUST FELT like I DIDN’T BELONG or FIT HERE… … … Of course as a MAN I UNDERSTAND what that FEELING was, but as a CHILD it was FUCKIN “SCARY”… … …

My FATHER wasn’t AROUND ANYWHERE when I was a child, so it was just MYSELF, my MOM and LITTLE BROTHER after she left his dad… … … My Mom sometimes talks about the stories of how “CLINGY” I was to her as a child and “WOULD NOT” let her OUT OF MY SIGHT… … … But she NEVER KNEW WHY… … … She was “ALL” I HAD for LIFE and PROTECTION… AND I KNEW THAT… … … As a CHILD I seriously fought with SPIRITS and DEVILS in a way that would WIG OUT MOST ADULTS… … … And that was normal for me… But my MOM NEVER KNEW THAT… … … I wasn’t SCARED of what MOST would call “NORMAL” FEARS of a CHILD, AGAIN, I wasn’t a NORMAL CHILD… … … My “BIGGEST” FEAR as a CHILD was LOSING my Mom because I was in this BIG WORLD ALL BY MYSELF, and I didn’t have nobody to protect me until I was strong enough… … … So as a small child I STUCK TO MY MOM LIKE GLUE… … … But every so often that was a problem… … …

My Mom never wanted me really… And THAT was the “OTHER” PROBLEM… I NEEDED HER to LIVE and I NEEDED HER PROTECTION, but I was kinda in the way… … … And my dad wasn’t around to help with RESPONSIBILTIES, so CLINGING to your Mom wasn’t the way shit was gonna work… … … So I had to do shit like daycare and ALL that shit that kids thought was when I was really small, and I HATED THAT SHIT BOY… … … That shit was like goin to hell every morning… … … But ANYWAY, I didn’t wanna be around NOBODY BUT MY MOMMA… … … And sometimes she would take me to different family members houses because she needed a BREAK, or needed to handle some business of some sort, and I would WIG OUT… FUCK THAT WHERE MY MOMMA GOIN… … … But EVERY so often I would hear, “BOY if you don’t stop actin like a Baby”, or ” I’m gon give you something to cry about if you don’t STOP ALL THAT CRYING”… … … She was just trying to get me quiet, but she didn’t even know why I was cryin… … … I was scared she was gonna leave me and not come back to get me… … … Matter of fact she even she even said that once thinking that would make me stop… … … And as a child that ALWAYS REAFFIRMED what I ALWAYS felt from her… I wasn’t supposed to be here… … … So even though I NEEDED HER PROTECTION and COMFORT like Crazy, I wasn’t really supposed to be here anyway… So I just learned to take what I got and didn’t really expect too much more as far as comfort for my “ABNORMAL” situation… … …

My brother and I were ALWAYS like NIGHT and DAY… When I tell y’all that he was spoiled and we was broke at the same time, that’s gives you some insight into my brother’s abilities to MANIPULATE REALITY around his ILLNESSES… … … He had ASTHMA REALLY BAD and was ALLERGIC to EVERY DAMN THING BESIDES HIMSELF… And he COULD FIRE OFF them ASTHMA ATTACKS on COMMAND… … … But on top of my BROTHER’S ABILITIES, he was SHELTERED and PROTECTED by my Mom… … … What do I mean?… … … He was the BABY, and he was SICK… … … So he got the MOTHER and I got the RESPONSIBILITY of being the OLDER BROTHER of the SICK SPOILED DUDE… … … My BROTHER wasn’t ALL BAD, he ACTUALLY had a REALLY GOOD HEART, but he was the SERPENT’S SEED and the REALITY that HE and my Mom shared was a reality that she never REALIZED I had no place in… … … What do I mean?… … …

There was one particular INCIDENT that I remember… … … My Mom had got on my case about something earlier that day concerning my younger brother that was COMPLETELY WRONG… Which OFTEN times she was… She had a Spirit from his dad that PROTECTED HIM NO MATTER WHAT HE DID… … … So this one particular day was just a rough day for me, (as a kid)… … … But anyway I was playing with a toy and somehow my brother ended up with it while I was playin with it, and in my attempts to get it back, he yells for my MOTHER, and she told me to give him the toy… … … And that BROKE ME… … … That was LITERALLY the STRAW that BROKE the CAMELS back, and I cried and cried and cried until it hurt… “Go in your room with all that”… … … And after crying in my room and LITERALLY “NOT” being able to STOP even though I was trying, my mom comes in the room and threatened to give me something to cry about if I didn’t shut up all that noise… … … “CAN YOU PLEASE FIND MY DADDY, I WANT MY DADDY”… … … And that did TWO things… SHOCKED her and probably SCARED HER… … … I didn’t even KNOW that man and I just told my Mother WHO was solely taking care of me WITHOUT my DAD… … … And ALL I really needed was somebody to Protect me… … … And I continued to cry… … …

So my Mom calls “ONE OF HER SISTERS” and tells her all of what’s goin and the fact that I “WON’T” stop crying and “NOW” I JUST ASKED for my DADDY… … … So she calls me into the front room and hands me the phone… … … “BOY what’s wrong with you doin all that cryin, talkin bout you want yo Daddy”, “you see how much your Mother does for you and you over there cryin for your Daddy”… … … “If you don’t stop all that crying I’m gonna come over there and whoop you myself”… … … And that SEALED IT for me… … … My Mom was standing rite in front of me “WATCHING AND LISTENING” with a look of DISTAIN… … … It was OFFICIAL to me that day, I didn’t have a Mother… … … I was Seven… … …

So not only do I KNOW I’m the BURDEN, SHE sic OTHER mfkas on me to REAFFIRM… … … So as a child a just played my part, stayed out the way as much as possible… … … Every so often I would get a little courage to feel like she needed me, but I would always be reminded in some way that she didn’t really need me just like she didn’t need my Father… … …

As a child my Mom NEVER said she was proud of me for ANYTHING… I would do things to try and get some type LIFE and REASSURANCE that you need from your Mother just to feel IMPORTANT to SOMEONE… … … Of course I know my Mom LOVES me, but as a child I NEVER HEARD it… … … I don’t REMEMBER ONCE… … …

As a FULLY GROWN MAN I SERIOUSLY DO NOT KNOW what “FEELING” LOVED feels LIKE… … … I don’t know what it feels like to have a Mother on your Team and just proud of you for being her son… … … I SERIOUSLY DO NOT KNOW what it FEELS LIKE to be PROTECTED… … … I don’t know what it FEELS LIKE to be LOVED without there being some type of REQUIREMENTS outside of WHO and WHAT I AM… … … I don’t know what it feels like to be touched by a woman that I didn’t have to PROTECT MYSELF from… … … OBVIOUSLY I want ALL that stuff, and AM bout to INDULGE with my Babies, but “ALL” this IS NEW for me… … … I LITERALLY been FIGHTING “ALL” my LIFE, I seriously have NEVER had “ANY” PEACE SINCE my BIRTH… ONE FIGHT to the NEXT on ALL SIDES… … …

When I say that I have been FIGHTING “SINCE” my BIRTH PLEASE UNDERSTAND there to be NO EXAAGERATION… … … I wanna do something different every once in a while and this is why my Babies get ALL of my Energy… You get tried of having to PROTECT YOURSELF FROM EVERYONE ALL the TIME… … … And most people not GIVING a FUCK ENOUGH about you to CONTROL THEMSELVES… … … MOST people are just “NOT” GENUINE PEOPLE, and MOST PEOPLE only do as much as necessary to “LOOK” like they playin their PART, but their MINDS are RESPONSIBLE to support your DESTRUCTION as well… … … Coming from where I’m from, that’s not even possible… … …

I just needed to get that off me y’all… … …

#BlackMagicIII

 

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